IT SEEMS LIKE A DREAM

THE EROTIC RITES OF FRANKENSTEIN, d. Jesus Franco (1973)

What sort of film is The Erotic Rites of Frankenstein? Well, it's the sort of film that starts with a shot of a human brain in a jar, although the brain is far too small to be human. As Doctor Frankenstein is apparently going to insert it into his fully conscious monster's head by drilling a hole just above his ear, however, it doesn't actually matter - the smaller the better, really. Yes, it's that sort of film, the sort of film where the brain doesn't go in the top.

It's the sort of film that has an insane, cackling, blind, beautiful parrot vampire woman, who is always naked.

It's the sort of film that contains dialogue like:

'I've heard of the work of Vera Frankenstein, of course, but it never occurred to me that she might be Doctor Frankenstein's daughter...'  and 'My triumph is intoxicating!'

It's the sort of film that has a scene where a naked man and woman are whipped by a silver monster as they stand tied together on a platform carpeted by poisoned spikes. 

It's the sort of film where a reanimated corpse tries to strangle a man to death, but is stopped in his tracks by having a bucket of sulphuric acid thrown over him. Despite the fact that he is gripping the man tightly, the acid is thrown so accurately that it removes the corpses head entirely and also neatly severs its dead strangling hands at the wrists - without a drop of acid getting onto his victim.

It's the sort of film where a magician needs Frankenstein's monster to impregnate a hybrid woman made from murder victims in order to improve the bloodline of a new race of skeletoid zombie people he has just made.

Finally, it's the sort of film that has no beginning or ending, like a dream. Haphazardly filmed in some genuinely amazing locations, it alternates scenes of overwrought sex fantasy horror with deadly dull scenes of middle aged men walking around in the dark for minutes at a time. It's beautiful, it's boring; it's amazing, it's appalling.

What's it like? It's like a Jesus Franco film.